How to be a Jackass in 3 Simple Steps
October 24, 2007
If you have opinions about Oprah, the Cubs, or Vegans you’ll probably enjoy this article!
1. Criticize from the stands
I was at a dinner party recently when Oprah Winfrey became the topic of conversation. Within ten seconds, like a quick volley of machine gun fire, I heard, “I hate her”… “I don’t think she gives enough of her money to charity” … and two others quickly agreed “me too!” They pounced on Oprah faster than sharks on a cramping swimmer!
Now, I’m no die hard fan of the Oprah show, but I do enjoy it occasionally. However, what I was hearing from my fellow dinner companions was appalling. I couldn’t help but remind everybody that Oprah’s money is HER money! She could keep all of it if she wants to – she earned it! Besides, how do we really know how much money Oprah gives to charity anyways?
Here’s a better question, what the hell had my fellow dinner mates done for charity? My guess, not as much as Oprah!
To criticize the charitable deeds of others is always a jackass move; to do it from the sidelines makes it even worse.
2. Laugh at other people’s expense
In this next example I play the starring role of jackass, and I almost got my butt kicked in the process. I went to high school with the pro baseball player Daryle Ward. Now, Daryle was always more interested in baseball than studies. But that was understandable considering Gary, his dad, was a pro baseball player and Daryl grew up with baseball flowing through his veins.
Once during our freshman year, while in History class, our teacher asked Daryle a question he didn’t know the answer to. Although, I don’t remember what his exact answer was, I do remember my reaction. - I laughed out loud.
In that class, I sat pretty close to Daryle. After I laughed, Daryle immediately turned with a rather intimidating tone to ask if I thought his answer was funny. Just for some context, as a freshman I was maybe 5’9’’, 165 lbs … Daryle was easily 6’2’’ 215 lbs.
Since, I still hadn’t removed my jackass hat; I told him that I did indeed find his answer amusing. The class then made that “ueww” noise that happens right before a fight. Fortunately for me, the teacher calmed things down, and I later apologized to Daryle for laughing at his answer. To laugh at the expense of somebody else is such a jackass thing to do, not to mention arrogant and immature. Oh, and it’s not me playing first base for the Chicago Cubs, now is it?
3. Have a narrow view of the world
About a year ago, I was at a party, when I got trapped “chatting” with a preachy vegan (click here to find learn more about Vegans). Ms. Vegan went on and on about the evils of meat, and how wrong it was to eat it, and how barbaric we meat eater were.
After she left, a friend of mine turned and said, “Only in a country as wealthy as the United States would you ever hear a discussion like that.” That was profound, considering my friend grew up poor in a third world country where he witnessed first-hand the devastation of crushing poverty and starvation.
Maybe my priorities are out of whack, but I think it’s a jackass move to focus on telling people what not to eat, before making sure that everybody in the world has at least SOMTHING to eat. Please note that I have no problem with vegans in general (just the preachy variety). If they chose not to eat or wear animal products, that’s fine by me. But personally, I find them both fashionable and delicious.
Now, you’ve certainly been the victim of, or played the role of a Jackass at least once. Tell us about it! Please share your jackass tales in the comments section. Who’s got the best jackass tale?