How to be a Jackass in 3 Simple Steps

October 24, 2007

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If you have opinions about Oprah, the Cubs, or Vegans you’ll probably enjoy this article!


1. Criticize from the stands

I was at a dinner party recently when Oprah Winfrey became the topic of conversation. Within ten seconds, like a quick volley of machine gun fire, I heard, “I hate her”… “I don’t think she gives enough of her money to charity” … and two others quickly agreed “me too!” They pounced on Oprah faster than sharks on a cramping swimmer!

Now, I’m no die hard fan of the Oprah show, but I do enjoy it occasionally. However, what I was hearing from my fellow dinner companions was appalling. I couldn’t help but remind everybody that Oprah’s money is HER money! She could keep all of it if she wants to – she earned it! Besides, how do we really know how much money Oprah gives to charity anyways?

Here’s a better question, what the hell had my fellow dinner mates done for charity? My guess, not as much as Oprah!

To criticize the charitable deeds of others is always a jackass move; to do it from the sidelines makes it even worse.

2. Laugh at other people’s expense

In this next example I play the starring role of jackass, and I almost got my butt kicked in the process. I went to high school with the pro baseball player Daryle Ward. Now, Daryle was always more interested in baseball than studies. But that was understandable considering Gary, his dad, was a pro baseball player and Daryl grew up with baseball flowing through his veins.

Once during our freshman year, while in History class, our teacher asked Daryle a question he didn’t know the answer to. Although, I don’t remember what his exact answer was, I do remember my reaction. - I laughed out loud.

In that class, I sat pretty close to Daryle. After I laughed, Daryle immediately turned with a rather intimidating tone to ask if I thought his answer was funny. Just for some context, as a freshman I was maybe 5’9’’, 165 lbs … Daryle was easily 6’2’’ 215 lbs.

Since, I still hadn’t removed my jackass hat; I told him that I did indeed find his answer amusing. The class then made that “ueww” noise that happens right before a fight. Fortunately for me, the teacher calmed things down, and I later apologized to Daryle for laughing at his answer. To laugh at the expense of somebody else is such a jackass thing to do, not to mention arrogant and immature. Oh, and it’s not me playing first base for the Chicago Cubs, now is it?

3. Have a narrow view of the world

About a year ago, I was at a party, when I got trapped “chatting” with a preachy vegan (click here to find learn more about Vegans). Ms. Vegan went on and on about the evils of meat, and how wrong it was to eat it, and how barbaric we meat eater were.

After she left, a friend of mine turned and said, “Only in a country as wealthy as the United States would you ever hear a discussion like that.” That was profound, considering my friend grew up poor in a third world country where he witnessed first-hand the devastation of crushing poverty and starvation.

Maybe my priorities are out of whack, but I think it’s a jackass move to focus on telling people what not to eat, before making sure that everybody in the world has at least SOMTHING to eat. Please note that I have no problem with vegans in general (just the preachy variety). If they chose not to eat or wear animal products, that’s fine by me. But personally, I find them both fashionable and delicious.

Now, you’ve certainly been the victim of, or played the role of a Jackass at least once. Tell us about it! Please share your jackass tales in the comments section. Who’s got the best jackass tale?

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3 Responses to “How to be a Jackass in 3 Simple Steps”

  1. Joe Allen on October 25th, 2007 12:05 am


    As I read your article, I thought of two times that I played the role of a Jackass along with my best friend (we will call him Daniel). Daniel and I were roommates in college and we lived next door to a person who required extra patience on our part. We will call this neighbor, Bill. Bill was telling us one day that he had trouble with his studies because he had “delexia”. Of course this is knows as “Dyslexia” to the rest of the world. When Daniel and I heard Bill pronounce it “delexia”, we both began to laugh uncontrollably. Of course this made Bill upset and he stormed out of the room. Over time, Bill provided many other laughs for Daniel and I. We were big jackasses concerning Bill. Well to be honest Daniel was a bigger one than me.

    Another time, Daniel and I were hiking with a friend. This friend was very over weight. We came to a stream that had a narrow log across it. Daniel and I navigated our way across first; however, we barely made it. After we made our way across we both looked at each other and knew that our over weight friend had not chance of making it safely across. The appropriate thing would have been to help him find an alternative route, but Daniel and I encouraged him to walk across it. We waited in anticipation for the great splash and when it happened we laughed hysterically. Once again, we were big jackasses.


  2. Electricity, Lights – Who Needs Them? : Nate’s Productivity Tips on January 9th, 2008 8:30 pm

    […] Upon receiving word from the electric company that power was unlikely to be restored for at least 24 hours, I did what any self-respecting carnivore would do. I fire up the barbecue and made a feast of the steaks that were quickly defrosting inside my freezer. As I’ve mentioned before I’m quite carnivorous (see How to Be a Jackass in 3 Simple Steps). […]

  3. How to be a Jackass on November 9th, 2009 7:25 am

    If you want to be a jackass all you have to do, is the exact opposite of what society wants you to do. For example, the polite thing to do when someone says hello or wishes you to have a good day, just ignore them and move on with your life. If someone happens to drop something like a million coins on the ground at your local grocery store, ignore them as well. You don’t have to do much to be a jackass! Be better than everyone else, before they have the chance to be better than you.

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